Manage Big Emotions in Conflict: How Therapy for Couples Can Help

Table of Contents

1. Introduction
2. Why We Experience Big Emotions
3. A Holistic View on Big Emotions
4. Attachment Theory and Big Emotions
5. Somatic and Gottman Theories
6. Common Triggers for Big Emotions
7. At-Home Skills for Managing Big Emotions
8. How Therapy For Couples Can Help
9. Meet Our Experts: Nelson Lee and Jennifer Watts
10. Choosing the Right Fit
11. Conclusion
12. FAQs

Introduction

Relationships are complex, and navigating them can often lead to eruptions of big emotions. We’ve all been there—an argument over something that seems minor escalates into a flood of feelings, leaving you both feeling drained and disconnected. In this article, I will provide tools and knowledge to help you understand and manage these emotions, whether you choose to implement these strategies on your own or seek therapy for couples as a supportive avenue for deeper exploration. Understanding and managing these emotions is essential for healthier relationships, and I’ve seen how therapy can be a turning point for many pairs, helping them approach conflict in a more constructive way and reconnect on a deeper level.

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Why We Experience Big Emotions

To truly comprehend the landscape of conflict in relationships, it’s crucial to explore why we experience these big emotions in the first place. Big emotions serve a purpose—they are often tied to our nervous system. When we face conflict, our bodies can trigger the fight-or-flight response. For instance, imagine you and your partner are discussing finances, and suddenly you feel your heart race, palms sweat, or breath quicken. This is your body gearing up for action, a remnant from our evolutionary past where such physical reactions were vital for survival.

When you enter a conflict with these physiological responses ramped up, you may find yourself feeling overwhelmed and unable to think clearly. Fear and stress hormones crowd your mind, causing you to interpret your partner’s words as more hostile or critical than intended. This is why it’s essential to recognize these bodily reactions for what they are—a natural part of being human. Understanding these responses is critical, and if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, it may be time to find a therapist who can help you navigate these emotions.

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A Holistic View on Big Emotions

From a holistic perspective, emotions are not merely reactions; they are signals that something deeper needs attention. The body, mind, and spirit all interact, and when one aspect is out of balance, the others can follow suit. For example, if you’re under chronic stress at work, you may come home feeling emotionally fragile, making you more susceptible to conflict over minor issues—perhaps forgetting to take out the trash or planning different weekend activities.

Holistic psychology emphasizes the mind-body connection. Therefore, by tuning into your body and recognizing how physical sensations correlate with emotional triggers, you can create a cohesive narrative for what you’re experiencing. A good starting point? Daily mindfulness exercises or practices like yoga can help you ground yourself and become more aware of your body’s signals during conflict.

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Attachment Theory and Big Emotions

Attachment theory presents another lens through which we can examine our emotional responses. Our early experiences with caregivers shape how we respond to love and conflict as adults—secure attachments breed confidence in relationships, while anxious or avoidant attachments can lead to turmoil. If you grew up in an environment where emotions were dismissed, you might find yourself shutting down during arguments, feeling vulnerable and alone.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) beautifully complements attachment theory by emphasizing the importance of emotional bonds and the impact of attachment styles on relationships. EFT operates on the premise that the way we connect and respond to our partners in times of distress is often rooted in our attachment histories. For instance, when one partner expresses anger during a conflict, it may trigger defensive behaviors in the other, perpetuating a cycle of disconnection and emotional withdrawal. EFT focuses on breaking these patterns by helping couples identify their emotional responses and the underlying fears connected to their attachment styles.

By integrating attachment theory with EFT, therapists can help couples not only recognize the root causes of their emotional reactions but also provide the tools needed to cultivate a secure attachment within the relationship. Couples learn to create a safe space for vulnerability, leading to increased empathy and connection during conflicts. This dynamic duo of theories equips partners with the insights needed to navigate their emotions effectively, creating a healthier, more resilient relationship over time.

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Somatic and Gottman Theories

Somatic therapy focuses on the connection between the body and emotions. This approach helps individuals become aware of how physical sensations can inform emotional experiences. Are you clenching your fists or holding your breath when discussing an issue? These signals may indicate emotional flooding, and acknowledging them can provide clues toward de-escalation. Techniques like breathwork or gentle movement can guide partners to reconnect with their bodies—encouraging them to feel calmer and more centered.

In addition to somatic methods, the Gottman Method offers valuable insights into managing conflict. Research shows that contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling—known as the “Four Horsemen”—are detrimental to relationships. For instance, when one partner says, “You never listen!” it often triggers a defensive response. In therapy for couples, we work on replacing these harmful patterns with healthier communication strategies. For example, expressing feelings without blame, such as “I feel unheard when you don’t respond to my concerns,” can foster more productive dialogue.

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Common Triggers for Big Emotions

Identifying triggers is another critical step in managing emotional responses during conflict. Common triggers can include financial stress, differing parenting styles, or unresolved past grievances. In my practice, I encourage couples to discuss times when they feel most triggered. A partner might admit to feeling overwhelmed when discussing finances because they experienced instability in childhood. Recognizing these triggers can lead to deeper conversations and healing.

To enhance emotional awareness, consider using mindfulness techniques. Journaling, practicing self-reflection, or visiting a calm environment can heighten your ability to spot the signs of an impending emotional surge. By documenting these triggers, you and your partner can devise a plan for addressing them when conflicts arise—fostering connection instead of disruption. If you find it challenging to identify these triggers on your own, it may be time to find a therapist who can guide you through the process.

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At-Home Skills for Managing Big Emotions

Once you’ve identified triggers, it’s essential to incorporate at-home skills that promote emotional regulation and healthier communication. Here are some techniques to implement in your daily lives as a couple:

1. Practice Active Listening: When disagreements arise, take turns speaking and listening. Use phrases like, “What I hear you saying is…” to ensure that you’re both on the same page. This helps validate your partner’s feelings and reduces misunderstandings.
2. Use “I” Statements: Instead of saying, “You always interrupt me,” try, “I feel frustrated when I’m not able to finish my thoughts.” This reframing keeps the conversation focused on your feelings rather than placing blame, fostering a more open dialogue.
3. Develop Grounding Techniques: When emotions are running high, utilize deep breathing or grounding exercises to remain centered. Try taking ten deep breaths together, focusing on inhaling for a count of four and exhaling for a count of six. This can lower stress levels and bring clarity back to the conversation.
4. Schedule Regular Check-ins: Set aside time each week for a relationship check-in. This can be a space to discuss any issues in a calm environment, allowing you both to voice concerns before they escalate into larger conflicts.

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How Therapy for Couples Can Help

Therapy for couples can provide a supportive framework for navigating these challenges. In our sessions, we use various approaches, including EFT, somatic therapy, and the Gottman Method, tailored to your unique relationship dynamics. For instance, I might guide you through exercises that help you recognize when one partner is feeling flooded and provide tools to pause the conversation until emotions have settled.

The safe environment of therapy allows both partners to explore their emotional responses without fear of judgment. It can be eye-opening to see how your attachment styles or past experiences influence your current conflicts. With the guidance of trained professionals, you can learn to navigate difficult conversations and develop strategies that foster mutual understanding and connection.

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Meet Our Experts: Nelson Lee and Jennifer Watts

At Empower You Therapy Utah, we are proud to have two exceptional therapists, Nelson Lee and Jennifer Watts, each bringing unique backgrounds and specialties in couples therapy. Whether you’re navigating relationship challenges, healing from past trauma, or seeking support for your family dynamics, understanding their individual approaches can help you determine who may resonate more with your needs.

Nelson Lee, ACMHC

Nelson Lee is a ACMHC with extensive experience in the mental health field. He holds a Master’s degree in mental health counseling and has worked in various settings, including outpatient clinics and online coaching programs. Nelson specializes in couples therapy (amongst a few other specializations), focusing on helping partners improve communication and emotional connection.

His approach combines elements of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method, allowing couples to explore their emotional responses and navigate conflicts effectively. Nelson is known for his empathetic and patient demeanor, creating a safe space for partners to express their feelings without fear of judgment. He believes that every couple has the potential to grow and strengthen their bond, and he is passionate about guiding them on that journey. His competence shines through in his ability to tailor sessions to meet the specific needs of each couple, ensuring that they leave each appointment with practical tools and insights that can be immediately applied to their relationship.

Outside of his professional life, Nelson enjoys outdoor activities like hiking and mountain biking, which keep him grounded. He often incorporates mindfulness and nature-based strategies into therapy, encouraging couples to connect both with each other and the world around them—an approach that has proven transformative for many of his clients. His extensive background and commitment to continuous learning make him a trusted choice for those seeking therapy for couples.

Jennifer Watts, CSW

Jennifer Watts is a clinical social worker who earned both her undergraduate and master’s degrees from the University of Utah. With a rich background that includes two years as a hospital social worker and six years of volunteering for organizations focused on assisting sex-trafficked individuals and the homeless population get the resources they need, Jennifer brings a depth of compassion and understanding to her therapy practice.

In her couples work, Jennifer primarily integrates attachment theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Her extensive experience with traumatized individuals has helped her understand how much of their trauma is related to early relationships and attachment patterns. By guiding couples in recognizing the root causes of their emotional reactions, she equips them with tools to cultivate secure attachments and enhance their emotional connections.

In addition to her commitment to therapy, Jennifer enjoys pursuits like working out and living a healthy lifestyle, which she believes can be instrumental in the healing process. She also uses techniques from somatic therapy, helping clients recognize how their bodies hold emotional tension and guiding them to find release.

Choosing the Right Fit

Both Nelson and Jennifer are deeply committed to helping couples navigate the complexities of their relationships. If you’re looking to find a therapist who focuses on emotional connections and open communication, Nelson may be the right fit for you. His blend of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method is particularly effective for couples looking to improve their communication and emotional intimacy through therapy for couples.Nelson’s extensive experience in various therapeutic settings allows him to tailor his approach to meet the specific needs of each couple, ensuring that they receive personalized guidance and practical tools that can be immediately applied to their relationship challenges. His empathetic and patient demeanor creates a safe space for partners to express their feelings, making him a trusted ally in the therapeutic process.

On the other hand, if your journey involves exploring trauma or you’re interested in a holistic and attachment-based approach to therapy, Jennifer might resonate more with your needs. She integrates both attachment theory and EFT in her couples work, utilizing her extensive experience with traumatized individuals to deepen understanding of how early relationships impact current dynamics. By helping couples recognize the root causes of their emotional reactions, Jennifer equips them with the tools to cultivate secure attachments and enhance emotional connections.

At Empower You Therapy Utah, we encourage you to explore the unique qualities and specialties of both Nelson and Jennifer. Taking the time to reflect on your personal preferences can help you find the therapist who aligns with your goals and values, making your journey toward emotional well-being and relational harmony all the more impactful. Reach out today to schedule a consultation with one of our talented therapists and discover how therapy for couples can transform your relationship!

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Conclusion

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FAQs

1. Who can benefit from relationship counseling?

Any couple experiencing recurring conflicts, emotional distance, or seeking to strengthen their bond can benefit. Even healthy relationships can use marriage and couples counseling as a preventive measure.

2. How long does couples therapy usually take?

The duration varies depending on the issues at hand, frequency of sessions, and the couple’s commitment to the process. Some find clarity in a few sessions, while others may need months of consistent work.

3. Is online couples counseling effective?

Online couples counseling can be highly effective, especially for those who face scheduling challenges or prefer the comfort of their own homes. Research suggests virtual therapy can be as beneficial as in-person sessions for many couples.

4. Can I attend therapy alone if my partner is unwilling?

Absolutely. While couples counseling services typically involve both partners, individual therapy can still help you develop coping strategies and communication skills that may positively influence your relationship.

5. What should we expect in our first session?

Your first session usually involves discussing your relationship history, current challenges, and goals. This initial conversation helps the therapist tailor the therapeutic approach, whether it’s emotional intimacy therapy or premarital counseling services.

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